Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
