Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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