It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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