YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
