Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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