Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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