Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
