my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
