Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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