There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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