You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
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He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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