My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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