The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
