I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
