Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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