Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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