I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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