eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
