I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
