this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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