I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
