Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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