watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
