how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
