i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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