Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
