I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I got her a Nickelback box set.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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