every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
