Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
