really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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