oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
this is an emotional support booty call
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
