Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
