she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Less talking, more tequila
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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