he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
