K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
