i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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