Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the day after is always just damage control
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
