my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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