My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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