My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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