I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
