I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
