Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
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we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
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On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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