i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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