I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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