drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
