Your mouth is God's brothel.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
