I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
