You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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