please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
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Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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