seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
