did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
