even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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