i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
