Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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