I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
