She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
