I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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